I own a snuggie.

WHY AM I STILL SINGLE?

I woke up in the middle of the night to horribly unbearable itchy feet. Thinking I had contracted a foot fungus or something just as evil that made my feet feel like they were being eaten by fire ants I look around my cabinets to see what was available to soothe them. I ended up smearing vagisil all over my feet. It worked.

WHY AM I STILL SINGLE?

Thinking I would do some spring cleaning on my downstairs parts, in hopes of getting lucky, I thought it was time to wax. I use sugar wax because it washes off easily in the shower and allows you to get as messy without consequence. After getting down to business and making quite a mess I decide to get up and head to the shower. As soon as I stand up I realize that my ass cheeks are waxed shut and I can barely walk. I waddle to the bathroom and jump in the shower to separate them and get myself cleaned off. After 5 minutes of scalding myself under the shower I am making no progress and my poor rear is still cemented shut. I waddle out of the shower and check the instructions on the wax... wrong wax, insoluble in water. What are my options? According to the packaging only mineral oil and acetone work. Not having the former and dreading the latter I ransack my apartment looking for anything to get myself unstuck..... in the end I had to have a sexy 15 minute shower rubdown with cooking oil and needless to say, that was all the action my neatly waxed cookie got that week.


WHY AM I STILL SINGLE?

Tonight I was eating indian food home alone, I spilled sauce all down my cheek. Instead of getting a napkin i just grabbed the naan bread, wiped my face with it and ate it.

WHY AM I STILL SINGLE?

This one time after too many drinks i brought this guy back to my place. We started going at it then i noticed something plastic around his ear. After awkwardly staring at it he explains hes half deaf. Mid-romp i start whispering not so sweet nothings into his ear... he had to blurt out "huh?" and then asked me to say it all again in his good ear.

WHY AM I STILL SINGLE?

Last time i tried to take a boy home i realized i had not shaven my nether regions in months. i told the boy i had an ongoing "muff war" with my friends as an excuse.

WHY AM I STILL SINGLE?

Today i realized for the third time this week ive had toilet paper stuck in my bum. ive lost all feeling in my panties.

WHY AM I STILL SINGLE?

today all ive eaten is two bowls of french onion soup and the morning after pill.

WHY AM I STILL SINGLE?

Today was the first time I wore a skirt in three months, so I had to shave more than just my ankles.
WHY AM I STILL SINGLE?

i shared a lollipop with my dog and we accidentally kissed. it really wasnt that bad. 

WHY AM I STILL SINGLE?

i needed a clean coffee mug this morning but my sink was too full. i decided to wash it while i showered... with a foot scrubber. 

WHY AM I STILL SINGLE?

this morning i woke up to find i had fallen asleep alone surrounded by snacks. my slurpee had fallen onto my crotch leaving the appearance of wetting myself. i also found hickory sticks in my bra. which i then ate.
WHY AM I STILL SINGLE?